When I Am King...

With life comes life's many critical problems, such as:

• Why are wedding ceremonies so very long, often outlasting the marriages themselves?
• Why are we forced to celebrate wedding anniversaries, inevitably leading to stress, forgetfullness, guilt, anger, recriminations, and alimony?
• We're constantly making mistakes in life and have no one to blame but ourselves. Why can't we hire someone to take the blame?
• Why are women's showers so packed with bottles and substances that there's no room left for the people?
• Why aren't newborn babies clearly labeled with their sex to avoid awkward assumptions by strangers?
• Why are newborn stats reported in weight and length, like fish?

Fortunately, this manifesto exists to deal with these and other pressing problems that we all face in work, relationships, parenting, eating, and life overall.